Resetting My Emotional Default
"Why am I doing this? What do I have to gain or give from sharing this experience?"
I guess we’re all about to find out over this five-part series.
Hi, I’m Shelly.*
My default is not happy. It’s not peace or contentedness in the simplicity of a good life - a blessing that I am lucky enough to enjoy, but somewhere along the way, forgot how to enjoy it.
My default is a constant cycle of fight, flight or achieve. My anxiety spurs me on to continuously climb to the new summits of general goals I’ve outlined for myself. I can’t stop chasing the ‘better life’ and desperately trying to shake my past off once and for all. I feel guilty for dragging the burden of pain that resulted from a series of unfortunate events I like to call my early twenties. I’m exhausted from the constant struggle with the monster that is PTSD. I’m sad that I can’t enjoy the blessing that is my reality right now. I’m annoyed that stress is a filter that clouds each and every day. I’m fearful that this is going to be my lifelong default if I don’t make a change.
I thought it was as simple as “see therapist, take some pills” and then voila, you’re fixed. It’s not. The painful moments of my past have collectively built up enough strength to control my emotions, mind and sometimes physical body.
I’m tired. I don’t want to live a life where I struggle silently alone. So I’ve asked Caela for a bit of help.
I want the tools. I want the insight and guidance needed to change my default to happy with an insatiable sense of curiosity and assured direction. I want to live a life of peace and beauty. I want to know what other people have done to deal with something (anything) similar to what I’m feeling, thinking and being right now at this present moment.
So that’s why I’m joining this community and sharing my experience.
*Who is Shelly? She’s anyone who wants to put it all out there anonymously. Basically, she’s everyone. Want to write for Shelly? Submit your request to firstname.lastname@example.org with subject line “From Shelly”.
We will not share your personal information and will confirm with you before sharing your story.